How You Exit Is How You Live

I have a pretty unique gift for pegging someone's parenting style based on random things I see. Now that little man is two, I've been to my fair share of Disney shows, circuses, and other similar events. I've noticed a really cool phenomenon throughout the past two years. During the show, you'll have typical toddler/baby problems going on. Screaming, tantrums, crying and the sudden realization that that Mickey doesn't look like the one we saw last week are all commonplace. The end of the show, however, is where the money's at.

As soon as there is any hint of the show coming to a close, the real show starts. People immediately begin to group themselves into three categories. As I sit back in my seat and observe, I can tell a lot about your life by which category you're in. I call it how you exit is how you live.

The Early Birds

Forget being off at the sound of the gun. These folks are gone when they even see the gun. As soon as a mention of the show ending comes, they are out of their seat dragging their kids towards the exit. These folks are known for their brutal family efficiency. The schedule is the schedule. You didn't eat your chicken tenders? Tough luck, junior. Next scheduled time to eat is the ten minute slot at 6:15, and those chicken tenders will be waiting. These folks have backed into their parking space out front and have brought along the grandparents so they can use the handicap spot. Ultimately this is their downfall as they try to run out of the theater with grandma in tow. Tough to make good time when someone is using a walker.

The Orderly Crowd

These are the regular folks that get up and leave when the show is over in a normal fashion. They are more relaxed than the first crowd but ready to move on with their day. They tend to let people out in front of them as they go so everyone can get out in short order. They have parked exactly where they were instructed to and have dutifully left their parking ticket right in the left lower corner of their dashboard as instructed. They are communal and like to make sure everyone is taken care of. Their deference creates problems though. They tend to get injured in the parking lot as the first crowd is already gunning it towards the exit by the time they get outside the building. "Is there a fire I didn't hear about" and "how rude" are common phrases to be heard from this group.

The Stragglers

My wife swears I am in this crowd. These folks ain't putting up with the rush. Why run? The car will be there no matter when we get out of here. These folks let everyone clear out first. While everyone else is trampling each other, they sit back and enjoy the scene. This can be a problem when you have toddlers. They have been sitting for quite some time at this point, and keeping them under control while everyone slides by you can be an issue. In general, these folks are more relaxed at home. You want to use the air mattress as a ladder to climb up on top of the dresser? Cool. Just make sure you slide back down instead of jumping. We ran out of super glue, and we'll have to go to Wal-Mart to get some if you cut yourself.

There it is folks. How you leave says everything about you. I tried to grab some representative photos to give good examples but there was no flash photography during the show, and the early leavers were already gone by the time the show actually ended. I'll try to be more prepared next time, as much as a straggler can be that is.

Is It Time to Laugh or Cry?

If you really tried to use social media to follow along with your friends’ lives, then you would be disappointed. Getting honest insight into people’s lives can be pretty difficult. If you log in and scroll through people’s pictures, then it usually looks like everyone around you is living in utopia. Like most folks, I tend to scroll through on my phone more than on my computer. I usually do this while standing in the mall or some other public place with little buddy. 

Little man has some of the best comedic timing of any toddler I’ve ever seen. As I’m scrolling through reams of videos of smiling two year olds doing trick shots behind their back or speaking multiple languages (Little Tommy started learning Portuguese today!!! #kidgenius #goingforlanguagenumber4), my little man is trying desperately to master the fine art of escaping from a five point harness stroller and two parents with graduate degrees. As I watch him succeed and my wife chases him down the hall, I usually try to cheer myself up with the fact that at least he has much better speed than his old man.

I will say that I had a major discovery this weekend though. We were at a mall, and I had commandeered little buddy after an epic meltdown in the Cheesecake Factory to go line. As we were standing there waiting for my wife to come meet us, a two year old girl came in the door with her parents. She proceeded to fling herself on the floor and go for broke. In between flails and screams, her dad managed to pin her down into her stroller and strap her in after about 15 seconds (pretty good time my man, respect). She continued screaming while her parents tried to get their bearings and pretend like nothing unusual was happening.

As I watched the drama unfold and smiled to communicate that I felt their pain, I realized that something magical had happened. Little man was absolutely silent. I looked down and he was staring at this little girl as if she had three heads. During the entire scene, he never moved a muscle or made a peep. Eureka! So that’s the secret. All I have to do is produce another screaming child, and he’ll never misbehave again! 

To you non-parents out there, this may seem like a complete scratch. Why trade one screaming child for another? The parents out there, though, will know the difference. While the sound of your own child screaming is a second by second affirmation of your inability to control your own offspring, the sound of other kids screaming is pure relief that you aren’t the only one. Other people indeed have these less than perfect moments where they try to wrangle toddlers determined to display just how strong willed they really are. Take that little Tommy and your Portuguese. I know your mama photo shopped that.

My Valentine is Better Than Yours

Valentine’s Day celebrates relationships and gives everyone an opportunity to show love to those that mean the most to them. My message today is short and sweet. My wife is awesome. She shoulders a load daily that most people can’t imagine and does it all with a smile on her face. The many hats my wife wears daily include:

• Full time physician
• Mom
• Wife
• Cook
• Accountant
• Interior Decorator
• Hostess
• General organizer of pure chaos

She does all these things 24/7 (literally now that little buddy likes to wake up a 3AM), rain or shine and on holidays. As I get out of the house quickly and efficiently in the morning to head off to work, she puts our family’s entire day on track and gets ready for work, all while trying to keep a two year old from jumping out of a window. There’s no one like her, and I’m blessed to have her. I love you!